Vanderbilt: Two—one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill
Princeton: Two—one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician
Brown: Eleven—one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience
Dartmouth: None—Hanover doesn’t have electricity
Cornell: Two—One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure
Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it
Columbia: Seventy-six—one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest
Yale: None—New Haven looks better in the dark
Harvard: One—he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
MIT: Five—one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that naked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch
Vassar: Eleven—one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation
Middlebury: Five—One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion
Stanford: One, dude
Oberlin: Three—one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one
Georgetown: Four—one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students
Duke: A whole frat—but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket
Williams: The whole student body—when you’re snowed in, there’s nothing else to do
Amherst: Two—one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student
Sarah Lawrence: Five—one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it
Swarthmore: Eight—it’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress
Boston University: Four—one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework
Colgate: Fourteen—one to change the bulb and a 13-person a capella group to immortalize the event in song
Wesleyan: Wesleyan’s boycotting GE… you know, military-industrial complex and all that
Sewanee: Seven—the five-person Honor Council to decide if it is against the Honor Code to change lightbulbs, one to find a reference in Faulkner to lightbulb changing, and one to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased bulb
Connecticut College: Two—one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn’t go out
Virginia: Three—one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg he’s standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson
Kenyon: Two—one to change the bulb and one to claim that Paul Newman touched the bulb
Bowdoin: Three—one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in
Boston College: Seven—one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn’t screw it in upside down this time
Santa Clara University: One—but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford get press for changing their lightbulbs
Marymount University: 24 (the whole graduating class)—one to run across the street to Fordham to borrow a lightbulb, one to actually do the deed, and 22 others to write poetry about it.
